Saturday, January 24, 2009

Service Notice from the US

We wanted to notify you, our customers, that we have recently replaced our server, and you might notice some service anomalies over the next four years.

While our old server had performed extremely reliably for the past eight years, some members of our team were convinced that a new server would be beneficial. Thus far, however, the new server has proven to problematic, and we have no current solutions for the problem.

Our new server has displayed a tendency to allocate most of its resources to our least active customers, leaving little or no resource allocation for our larger clients. The problem seems most severe at times when the largest clients are most in need of the resources for which they are paying. Not only do we not have a solution for this problem, we anticipate that it will get significantly worse over the next four years.

Systems engineers indicate that there are logic flaws within the new server's operating system. It has already displayed a disconcerting tendency to abruptly and illogically cease successful operations (refer to Guantanamo for more details), while diverting excessive resources into operations that display logical flaws (see global warming, earned income tax credits, and mortgage relief, among others).

The new server has already proven to be more expensive than anticipated. We were originally told that the new server would be cost-neutral for all our clients whose gross revenues fall below $250,000 per capita. However, those levels have already been reduced and are being reduced further over the next few weeks; we anticipate now that all clients will see an increase in cost. The only exception will be those who already pay nothing; they will actually see a significant credit to their accounts.

We apologize for the inconvenience, but we felt it necessary to let our clients know that we are aware of these problems and are looking for a solution. There is a possibility we will see some minor degree of improvement in 2010, but it is unfortunately likely that the problem will continue until 2012 (and some within our operation are convinced that no real solution will be found until 2016).

Thank you for bearing with us during this unfortunate transition.

The United States

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