The Giving

I wish I could make Christmas work for me the way it used to. The aspect of Christmas that I most enjoy is finding the right gift for each person; I think I used to be pretty good at it, but nowadays it's rare that I feel successful. Part of the problem is the natural growing apart that comes with busy lives, overloaded work schedules, and personal commitments that leave all of us too little time; I'm lucky enough to have a relative amount of freedom in my daily schedule, but life puts so many demands on everyone that it seems like we never have time for an impromptu visit, a pleasantly long phone call, a "what makes me happy" conversation. As a result, I am out of touch with many in my own family, unsure what each person has, what each person likes, what each person wants... all the vital information that used to make gift-giving a joy now makes me feel wholly inadequate when it comes to giving anything meaningful. I used to be pretty good at Christmas shopping; now I feel like I've failed, more often than not, and that makes me a little bit sad. I hate for someone to think that he or she doesn't matter to me, which is what I fear that a generic gift communicates.  "You matter to me" is what I want a gift to say; I am frustrated and dissatisfied that too many of my gifts say "I have no idea what you like nowadays."

I end up giving gift cards more often than not, which I always worry about. Is it what the recipient really wants, or is it an easy out that says, "I didn't put in the time to find you a real gift"?  Susan says that I worry about it too much; maybe she's right. I grew up in a time when gift cards didn't exist; we would give cash, perhaps, if we couldn't find the ideal gift. There's something impersonal about a gift card, though...

I miss those days when we spoke so frequently that we knew one another's interests well, the years when I knew by August or September what would make the perfect gift for each friend and family member. But with each year that passes, I realize that those times aren't returning; life keeps getting in the way, apparently.  But I'm not happy in that realization...